I blame the grinding strength of my Starbuck’s Espresso Roast! I’ve replaced the late afternoon cocktail with chilled glass mugs of narcotic caffeine. Since one o’clock this morning I’ve been rattled. After a sleepless hour I relented and got out of bed. Immediately I sat at the computer and reviewed what has lately surfaced as the more fragile pieces I had written, some of them recently, others years ago. What promoted this spirited digestion was the ponderous awakening to both indiscretion and outright failure. It speaks to my personal limitation that these unanticipated realizations were slow to percolate. I am pleased however that they did. As is so often the case the undertaking proved to be one which I had hints of confronting for some time.
After achieving my immediate goal of editing the manuscripts, it took much of the day to absorb the lingering admission that I am not perfect. Naturally I am being facetious but the avowal was laden with punishment in spite of its normalcy. Presumably it was the unforeseen nature of this necessity which disturbed me. My life is otherwise sedate and unconditional. Adding a sudden dynamic of alteration and transgression was an overwhelming contaminant!
It is not the first time I’ve been obliged to change directions. Who hasn’t faced similar adjustment? Translating the initial stressful emotion to a logical deduction was the relieving antidote. For one thing, insisting upon remaining stuck to the past is foolish. Meanwhile it assists to remedy whatever adverse or incomplete consequences arose from the prior conduct. This doesn’t eliminate what was done but it goes as far as possible to palliate it. Meanwhile there are expected repercussions and fallout which will remain. Those are the patina of humanity.