Lately I have muddled my affairs by trying to impose some stricture, what I consider to be some much needed restraint. It it paradoxical that I should call upon censorious instruction when in fact what I’m after is a release from constraint. Not surprising therefore that even the best intentions can cause temporary disturbance. Primarily the censure is directed to my free-wheeling behaviour. I’m accordingly reining things in. By the same token, my motive is liberality, almost abandon, maybe a care-free posture approaching snapping my fingers at life! Unquestionably this contradictory bent for late-life modification is the result of having nothing much else to do; however, to continue unaltered is proving to be less than provident. Fact is, these suppressed thoughts have been leaching for some time. I have decided to confront them!
It is quite remarkable how tied I am to repetitive though fruitless comportment. I’d prefer not to think of it as lack of imagination but considering the Pavlovian nature of the conduct I’m not so sure. What is more likely the root of the predicament is not intellectual incapacity but rather want of personal conviction. It requires enormous effort for me to trounce someone in my mind. My alternative instead has been to walk away. While this puts distance between the parties it obviously avoids addressing the issue. One’s objective should of course not be to trounce anyone. I use the expression not as a condemnation so much as a purgation. It is a process of removing oneself from unpleasant associations with the added feature of a mental embargo. This is important because it is purposeful not negligible.
Whether one shares these private sentiments is another matter. No doubt there are those who promote the theory that each of us is obliged to communicate our thoughts about others to them. I am not so sure. Even if the proposal rings of fairness and openness I am not convinced I am bound by such codes of natural justice. Besides the frozen truth may not be what others care to hear. And I can at least rationalize my reluctance by advancing it is better to stay mum in the event that my opinion is incorrect (though I know this is really just a gimmick).
Lining things up admittedly smacks of uninspired regimentation, not what many would consider to be a good thing. I suppose whatever one does in this regard is more imaginary than real. Most likely the imposition is purely fictional, maybe even a disguise. But the token order may nonetheless afford the prospect of discernment in an otherwise baffling array of emotions. The order is a mere tool to facilitate comprehension, perhaps similar to dissection of constituent parts to fathom the whole. The inner alignment is reflected in external arrangements as well. Today for example we met with our banker to set up vehicles for the management of our affairs in the United States during our winter sojourn. These thoughts too had percolated in the past year. The organization of mind and matter so often go hand-in-hand. I flatter myself to think the material manifestation is a reflection of the government of my mind, taking care of business as it were.
No doubt this all sounds like so much gobbledegook and indeed it may be so. But I can tell you in the clearest of terms that I am quite bored withstanding the bilge I get from certain people. First and foremost I can contrive no reason whatsoever to tolerate such bunk. Any commercial nexus which may have once existed is gone. Second, I see no utility in pandering to the foibles or whims of others; if the relationship is work, to Hell with it! I am equally tired of convincing myself that all friendships require work. They don’t! And as long as they do, they’re better ignored.
Sometimes abrupt right turns can prove more deliberate than required. I accept the change like everything else in life must be incremental not precipitous. Nonetheless the underlying perspectives must be clear and unambiguous even if the implementation is not. So for starters I’m lining up my ducks and we’ll see where we’re headed!