During the night I was haunted by disturbing thoughts, the carry-over from the half-baked struggles and uprisings of the previous day. Though it is quite preposterous of me to imagine that every concern I may have, whether big or small, will be resolved immediately, that is precisely what I do. My impatience instantly translates any delay into anxiety. Even for example if I write an email to someone from whom I haven’t requested a response, I expect one. At least an acknowledgement. These tangled engagements beg rebuttal, they should not be ignored.
Lately there have been a number of discomfiting introspections which have percolated. When one must rely upon conjecture and surmise to decipher another’s behaviour the mind becomes a seedbed for distortion. This is especially so when the signals being sent are tenuous and without any particular relevance at the time (though upon reflection the foundation for the foray is always evident). One settles the contentious matter either by acceptance or dismissal; seldom does reasoned analysis highlight anything more than annoyance. Until however one reaches that critical tipping point, the problem is literally in the balance, teetering indecision which is all the more frustrating.
There were other less psychiatric dilemmas to deal with as well, strictly matters of business though in that vernacular awareness and strategy are equally important. Here however fact counts more than sentiment. Once again my impatience causes disruption. It is quite unbelievable how my active imagination enflames bizarre complications. My petulant researches at last produced results. In these technical matters it’s a binary world, all or nothing.
And, yes, there were even more tiny aggravations, alas the repeated product of irritability. I seemingly have no capacity to allow the world to unfold on its own steam, I must be perpetually pushing it along. But I am attempting to modify this pattern. It is however an admission that there are factors other than one’s own input which govern the evolution of the universe. Such insight! It requires incredible restraint upon myself to do this. I mistakenly harbour the view that it is my alloy which stiffens the resolve. But I am learning to accept that the transition from discord to concord is more natural and untangled with my personal elements. In the result it is but the unglamorous business of putting temporary distance between the fractious parts, a diplomatic theory which barely merits the distinction of politic.