Burnt toast, not unlike many things, is best when eaten freshly made – right out of the toaster. The preference for burnt toast attracts only few, in my experience usually the minority in number. It is an oddity frequently associated with those who have other peculiarities – or, should I say, differences. Pointedly the burnt element of the toast does not imply an excessive behaviour.  The goal is not to exceed the gentle browning alternative.  That is, it isn’t so much a cosmetic thing as a factor of taste and health.  From some reports the putatively carcinogenic nature of the burnt toast (charcoal) absorbs toxins helping to relieve an upset stomach. While some blend the flavour of burnt toast with butter, jam, honey or peanut butter, others specifically cherish the toasted flavour.

What to do with these people who are different? That’s the issue.  At table there are few if any idiosyncrasies which are cheerfully endured. The thing is, everyone should hold their knives and forks properly.  And in the identical manner.  If we were to allow some to estrange themselves from others by behaving in a singular manner, that portends the decline of civilization.  How much easier it is to unite those who look and act the same! How can there be any difference when none exists!

Regrettably many of those who evade righteous society are bequeathed an uncommon purpose or private devotion which collides with normality and propriety. What we need is a perfect example, someone whom we can follow with satisfaction and glee. I believe that person is you! Like it or not there is no one you understand better than you! And from all I have seen and heard of you – including what you yourself have told me – it is you who is best positioned to fulfil the role of perfection.

Naturally you must begin by setting standards. You know what I mean, the right way of doing things. I can’t imagine anyone more competent in the circumstances than you to make that assessment. Indeed so organic is the preferred conduct, you need only be yourself!

Having overcome the fuss about perfection it remains only to continue in the face of alarm and immoderation. The goal is to preserve one’s personal purity from the contamination of others. This may be commenced by wearing a mask and social distancing. Perhaps it is best just to stay at home.

When the threat is over, when the stain has passed and people can once again live normal lives, perhaps then we’ll appreciate burnt toast for what it really is!