After a lifetime pursuit of unfulfilled (or, should I say, unrequited) yearning, I have come to realize that my problem is either greed or addiction.  I do however relieve myself of the peril of rapacity because often my failure was not gluttony but appreciation. I appreciated the quality of the things I so relentlessly pursued.  But that distinction, I have discovered, is a small compliment because there are many, many things in life of enviable quality, the recognition of which is possible without having to add the acquisitive feature to it – anymore than a thief must have the Crown Jewels. Some things can be admired from afar and without the possessory element.

It is possibly a defect of my upbringing and training that I came to equate success with consumption.  When I first moved into my four-bedroom home on the park I arrived with a small collection of stuff. As I like to quip, “My first little house on the other side of town was so small you had to back into it!” So I landed with minimal baggage. But 40 years later was a different story.  The irony is that I am now back to where I began – that is, a modest but sufficient conglomerate.

This illustrates if nothing else the superfluity of youth.  In my old age, with that critical eye of time, it also signifies what likely was and no doubt still is an addiction – a combination of getting on one’s horse and riding off in all directions; and, an attempt to disguise or override a substance deeper than the material world.

More sharply it may be symptomatic of a tortuous ambition for approbation – misguided though it were. Metaphorically of course happiness comes from within not from without. Like so many adages, easy to say, not quite so easy to apply.

In any event I now seek to quell the impatience and addiction within my entire sphere by opting instead for conviction and devotion to what is at hand.  I say this – and I emphasize this – not as a compromise to a greater good; rather, as a new and satisfying means of feeding those appetites I have for art, beauty, change and expression.  Those have always been both my interior and exterior objectives. But it is only now that I am discovering they were always right here before me without my having to “push the envelope” so to speak.

Indisputably there is advantage to enlargement and change. But as I say, I am awakening to the limitless possibilities of stimulation and opportunity at our front door. While I doubt whether this euphoria will curtail all my erstwhile pursuits, it most certainly pivots me. There is an added feature to proximity and familiarity; and that is an unprovoked peacefulness and tranquillity – neither of which is completely reliable in a strange or foreign environment. Consequently the effervescence of what we relish with immediacy is an elixir of its own sort; it is both nutritious and pacific. And normally it costs a good deal less!

But in the end, what wins the day is neither sparsity nor economy – for the persuasion is driven not by what might be but rather by what is. It is accordingly a far less anxious process. Plus, the dilemma of regretting the act is of no concern, for while you may regret what you decided to do, you cannot pretend to escape what you already are.

The unfettered mind is a volatile vessel. As always I am reminded of that saying, “There are two ways down the river: either you know where to go or where not to go.” In my case, I even have the choice of river!