Today I addressed a mounting handicap – pants, long pants in particular.  A blustery wind, the flutter of a leaf and the looming arrival of autumn and winter have spirited this couture necessity. After almost a decade of wintering in sub-tropical climes my trousseau of long pants is seriously depleted.  I refuse to descend to the ignominy of mentioning waist sizes; but I can tell you that I need something new to enlist for this coming season. The option of wearing either shorts (with fashionably appropriate Merino woollen socks) or “pedal pushers” is right out – though I can tell you that I had actively canvassed the possibility. I find this deprivation regrettable because, like a young boy, I am partial to short pants.

Short pants obviously surpass the issue of pant length. Which is one of the reasons I like short pants.  Marshalling the correct length for long pants is about more than whether the bottoms should be cuffed or not; and if not cuffed whether the bottoms should be angled or not; or whether the bottoms should just touch the top of the shoe or cover it to the extent of a partial fold. Unless one has a sylphlike body and can thus naturally sustain the textile at the hips, one’s protuberant belly is assured to corrupt the pant length of any determination. While short pants do not entirely remove the obstacle of having to hoist one’s pants, at least with short pants one avoids the added indignity of tripping over the bottoms.

There are but two options which fulfill the government of the bottoms of long pants; one, shortening them; and two, suspenders.  I have opted for the shorter length though when I wore a business suit and waistcoat the suspenders were an ideal mechanism. The noticeably shortened length of long pants has become a popular fashion mockingly referred to as “flood pants”. On men the appearance approaches preposterous; on women it is considered chic.

Youth however succeeds to replenish the enigmatic quality of any fashion. But for me that particular additive would entail unimaginable surgery. To be clear my choice of flood pants is strictly utilitarian and that objective betrays its humble purpose.

In the past year and a half my retail shopping skills have been significantly pared down. For two reasons – one, the pandemic; and two, my commensurate immobility. I cannot recall the last time I visited a mall. It has been an unwitting collateral of social distancing and lock-down that the interest in fashion has incrementally vanished. When the predominant item on one’s daily agenda is butter tarts or carrot cake from your favourite bakery, the acceptability of sweat pants and hoodie is incontrovertible.

Although since March of 2020 when this pandemic began I have bought two automobiles and some jewellery, the extent of my domestic acquisitions has apart from that been limited to cotton smalls. I mean, why else bother? It’s not as though we have anywhere to go.  What now enlivens the shopping and expenditure is inclement weather. I will however say that my introduction to Amazon Canada has not been without its buoyancy. The professionalism of the agency (since that is its elemental purpose) is unrivalled. But above all – in addition to reliability and timeliness – the monstrosity of the corporation ensures a treasure chest of variability exceeding what traditionally exists in the larger more progressive department stores. For example, when traditionally buying off-the-rack pants, I was accustomed to having to purchase pants of extraordinary length and then take them to a tailor for adjustment. It was never a grave or costly inconvenience. But it is one which Amazon Canada has neatly overcome by providing almost every combination of waist size and pant length. As well in addition to brand name, casual, dress or sports wear there are other sartorial layers such as pleats or hidden elastic belts. And it all comes in one pinwheel of seemingly limitless alternatives!

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In the spirit of transparency I can happily report that today – exactly one day after having ordered my new pants from Amazon Canada – they arrived. And they perform as expected!